Deeply Hidden Needs at the Root of the Pleasing Pattern
In the realm of pleasing patterns, lies a concealed longing, a profoundly painful and urgent need: survival. This need envelops me, yet solely by my own efforts, its fulfillment remains elusive.
This form of pleasing is a defense mechanism employed in the face of threats. Through appeasement or assistance, it preempts and pacifies assailants, mitigating harm and nurturing a fragment of security.
Once, a visitor became ensnared in this pleasing pattern. From her early years, she greeted everyone with politeness, promptly responding to every utterance of adults, steeping tea, pouring water, attuned to words unspoken, meticulous in her care. As a young girl, she was perpetually attuned to others.
Upon deeper understanding, I discovered that this pattern of pleasing originated from her childhood. Each time she "disobeyed" or failed to meet her mother's expectations, her mother would strike her, as if pushing her to the precipice of life itself. She recounted these memories with a smile, saying, "If I'm not good, my mom might really beat me to death."
I was acutely aware of the anguish in those moments, yet she concealed it behind a smile, avoiding the unbearable emotions. However, this also estranged us from ourselves, once again surrendering the self to others.
With a smile, she shared these heart-rending fragments, and I grew somber. I told her, "You know I love to joke, but when you speak of these heartbreaking things, I don't find it funny. Instead, I feel sadness and sorrow..."
Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes, flowing slowly from a space detached and numb, unfurling a realm of emptiness. It was a heartrending moment, one she could only shroud with a smile. In that instant, numerous negative patterns emerged—bending to please others, striving for a modicum of comfort, a hint of safety.
If you find yourself unconsciously entwined in the web of pleasing patterns in life, I invite you to:
Transform the subservient smile for others into a compassionate smile for yourself
Transmute the echoes of agreement into the rooted stability and tranquility of the earth
Convert the fear of abandonment into a simple existence, like mountains, rivers, and grand trees—showcasing unique beauty and strength
As you continually practice bringing back the energy of life to your center, growing increasingly introverted, boys evolve into men, girls into women. Before the transformation, you reside in your mind, disconnected from the core, relinquishing the self, pursuing appeasement, and forgetting the inner power.
However, as you practice regrounding energy to the center, anchoring to the earth, finding inner calm, firmly rooted in the earth, the expansion takes hold. There, you sense existence, devoid of contrived display, attaining the wisdom of life.
As the poet avers, if the world ceases to hear your voice
speak to the silent earth: I am flowing
address the rushing streams: I am here.
I am here, I am here
I need not flee, nor fight, nor please, nor evade
I exist purely, I am here
The world embraces me, the earth readies my domain.
Each day, all I need is to deepen my connection with the earth, my feet, my body, standing resolute between heaven and earth... From this realization, entering it anew each day, we no longer wholly surrender ourselves to others, nor relinquish ourselves to the world. Linked with others' souls, we break free from the pleasing pattern's grasp.