Echoes of Bonded Journeys
Navigating the Depths of Family Ties and Personal Growth
In your mind's eye, picture a scene: a baby, around five or six months old, is crawling on the ground. Suddenly, he witnesses his mother leaping into a pit. Have you ever wondered if he would emulate his mother's actions, or even follow her into the pit?
Extract the answer from your intuition: what might your response be?
In truth, most people's answer would be affirmative. This infant, upon seeing his mother dive into the pit, would unhesitatingly move towards it, almost as if imitating her every move.
Children share an emotional bond with their parents that far exceeds our imagination. I aspire to be like my parents, in order to experience myself as their child. This is a unique 'loyalty', a blind yet profound love.
However, the psychological pain belonging to our parents is not ours to carry. Parents have their own life paths. We can only heal ourselves, live fully, and then, like a mirror, reflect that each person has the capability to heal themselves and live their best life.
Understanding this is challenging during childhood. Children cannot bear the pain, neither their own nor that of others. They will directly immerse themselves in pain, becoming saviors of their family's suffering, and sharing in the pain. This is how they feel part of the family, children of their parents.
But as we grow, if we continue holding onto such 'loyalty' towards our family, burdened by the pain of our family and parents, we are destined to fall into a cycle and unable to create the lives we desire. We need to practice enduring others' suffering, not to heal our parents' pain, but to heal our own.
As the eldest child in my family, I used to excel at carrying the burdens of the family's pain, marching forward. This gave me a sense of superiority and a feeling of existence. However, as I began to heal myself and let go of this self-centeredness, I realized that while life holds pain, it can also heal and transform. Life continues to move forward. Each of us can live our unique life path.
Retreating from that story, I create a space. In that space, I feel your pain, and I feel mine. I feel my true nature and I feel yours.
Now, I practice enduring others' suffering. I learn not to burden myself with others' hardships. Each person can only heal themselves, treating themselves gently, and with compassion.
The older and deeper the pain, the slower progress needs to be. Some things should not be rushed; they should be slow. The only possibility for change is to coexist with them, to move gently, to gradually transcend. Most importantly, do not sever the connection. The more painful it is, the gentler you should be.
In truth, we haven't moved far. None of us have moved far. When I realized that as I enter the world, and enter relationships, life always starts with me, I suddenly feel that my existence lights up the entire world.
As Buddha said, 'To save all beings is beyond reach, for there are no beings to be saved.' Life has its entry and its exit. I don't need to feel sorry for you, nor do I need to feel sorry for myself. I only need to bless you, and I only need to bless myself.
This is what I've come to understand in my journey of self-healing counseling: stepping into the world, and becoming my own light.
So, dear parents, while I may not be able to change you, I love you deeply. I cannot take your pain for you, but I carry it with me. I cannot carry your life, but I will live a beautiful, blossoming life.
If we can live with such determination, living our own lives, our very existence is already bringing vital healing to our original families.