A Sweet Balance

Discussing Boundaries in Relationships

      In the complex web of interpersonal interactions, maintaining clear boundaries is not only a social courtesy but a necessity for adult emotional and psychological well-being. Those lacking a sense of boundaries often find themselves in transient and unstable relationships. However, establishing clear boundaries brings a sense of comfort to interpersonal interactions and fosters a healthier and longer-lasting connection.

      When children are young, the relationship between parents and offspring is inseparable. As children transition into adulthood, boundaries and independent spaces become necessities for their independent self-identification. Yet, many parents struggle to adjust their roles in this process, continuing to maintain the relationship in an overly fused manner, thereby causing the child to feel invaded or engulfed.

      For example, Xiaoyu feels anxious every time she goes home because her family continually questions her on matters she's not ready to face: income, marriage, and even gender roles. Conversations like these make her feel that her boundaries have been violated, leading to feelings of defeat, anger, and emotional shame.

Learn to Respect, Avoid Inappropriate Questions

      The tacit understanding among friends is to refrain from prying into the grades of each other's children or other personal matters. Such restraint maintains respect and distance, creating a healthier social environment.

      Before delving further, we must first understand two dimensions of the self: the bodily self and the relational self. The former emphasizes the connection to the physical center, which is our first line of defense in perceiving ourselves and maintaining boundaries. The latter involves interactions with others and the environment, encompassing more complex emotional and psychological factors.

      In mature relationships, balancing these two selves is crucial. The bodily self provides a sense of boundaries and independence, while the relational self fosters connections and resonances with others and the environment. A skew towards one over the other leads to either excessive insularity or openness.

      My Aikido teacher, Dr. Stephen Gilligan, once shared a deeply touching story. He had a master who was not only an excellent martial artist but also taught Aikido while caring for twins. This image illustrates the most beautiful balance in life: strength and softness, boundaries and flow.

      Just like a mature individual, understanding one's own and others' boundaries enables greater respect and love. It is a sweet balance in interpersonal relationships and a higher art in life.

      By adhering to these principles, we can not only maintain healthy boundaries in relationships but also foster deeper connections and understanding. Hence, boundaries are not merely a form of protection but also a means to deepen and sustain interpersonal relationships. As the famous poet W. B. Yeats once said, "The most profound boundaries yield the most profound connections." Such is the significance of boundaries in maintaining relationships.