Discovering Your Authentic Voice

Every act of "pleasing" has its positive motives behind it, often rooted in our emotional intelligence.

      There was a visitor, a working mother, who often exhausts herself for the same reason: she doesn't know how to say no, a common mental health challenge.

      For instance, one day, her schedule was already packed with work-life balance struggles, and she had to pick up her child from school right after. But at that moment, a colleague mentioned that the team collaboration materials for the next day were not ready, and she, feeling unable to manage alone, hesitated for a moment. She initially wanted to decline but couldn't resist her colleague's request, so she agreed.

      In the evening, after a day of busyness, she initially wanted to enjoy some mindfulness alone at home. However, her husband suddenly called, suggesting they go to his mother's house for dinner. She wanted to decline but didn't want to disappoint her husband and mother-in-law, so she agreed...

There were many similar incidents. Every time someone suggested something, she would unconsciously nod and agree. She often blamed herself for being a people-pleaser and desperately wanted to break free from this pattern. Perhaps this is a common struggle for many. We often say we should be ourselves, have our own opinions, and speak our minds. Many believe that the pattern of pleasing hinders us from being authentic. This pattern can be draining and prevents us from being our true selves. But if people-pleasing truly brings us no benefit, why do we keep doing it? Generally, when we continue a certain behavior pattern, it's because we've been benefiting from it all along. In other words, most of the time, we need it. Let's take a moment to recall, is there truly no benefit to us when we "please"? When I asked my visitor this, she nodded thoughtfully: She discovered that by helping a colleague complete a task, her colleague thanked her sincerely during the meeting the next day. They even got the chance to collaborate on a new project together. She felt the joy of trust and cooperation. Because she had dinner with her husband and mother-in-law, she spent a delightful evening, different from what she had imagined, but she also felt a deep connection and care. So, behind every act of "pleasing," there is a positive motive. One profound motive here might be: that this relationship is important to you, and you want to take care of it.

The Art of Saying No and the Quest for Self-Care

      If we go to an extreme, focusing only on others and neglecting ourselves, giving ourselves entirely to others, especially when we don't receive the expected empathy and respect after giving, over time, we may feel wronged, thinking we've lost our courage and strength, and we fall into self-blame.

At this point, we easily swing to the other extreme, thinking, "I need to learn to say no," "I need to be myself." In such moments, we often disregard others and only focus on ourselves, struggling within a narrow state of consciousness. So, which one is truly our own voice? We will find that meeting the needs of others is our own voice, and meeting our own needs is also our own voice. So, how do we find a sweet balance between these two voices, where we can take care of ourselves, connect with ourselves, and also take care of relationships, connecting with others? The narrow confines of the mind make it difficult for us to achieve this. The mind is good at deciding what's right or wrong, good or bad. When two different voices coexist, our mind often gets caught in conflict and struggle. ![Image] The mind can't solve life's problems because life is bigger than the mind. When you find it consistently hard to balance meeting your own needs and the needs of others, and you're hoping to find a way out of this dilemma, here are some suggestions that might help: Whenever you unconsciously aim to please, pause for a moment. Recognize the needs behind this pleasing behavior. When we notice ourselves trying to please, take a breath, and ask ourselves, "What needs are behind this pleasing behavior?" Do this without judgment or emotion, just with curiosity. Is it a need for recognition, attention, or affection? No matter what it is, be curious about where in your body you can most strongly feel this need. It might be in your heart. Gently place your hand there and feel this presence. Return this need to yourself, rather than giving it to others. Feel this need, feel this presence, and then bring your more mature and resourceful self to where you are right now. Tell yourself, "I'm okay now. I'm here. I see you. You need acknowledgment, attention, and affection. Let me take care of you." Take this need and let yourself care for it, let it reside where once it was empty and unfulfilled. Bring resources, connection, and strength to it. Reconnect with yourself instead of handing yourself over to others.

The Mindful Balance: Connecting with Yourself and Others

      So, by connecting with the center of yourself and simultaneously connecting with others, you can help yourself be in a gentle, firm, and relaxed state. This will bring more emotional well-being and strength to both yourself and others.

      So, by connecting with the center of yourself and simultaneously connecting with others, you can help yourself be in a gentle, firm, and relaxed state. This will bring more calm and strength to both yourself and others.
      If we lose our center and hand ourselves entirely to others' opinions, we lose our strength and won't earn their respect. If we lock ourselves away and only focus on our needs, we create rigidity and conflicts within ourselves.

      The person who connects with their center also connects with the world. Finding a sweet balance like this, I believe you'll discover a completely new answer to how to express your own voice.